ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
You Might Also Like
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.