I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)