Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
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“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Bringing home a sharpie
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.