My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money