I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight