If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
first you must answer his riddles
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads