Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.