{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.