Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.