Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
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I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied