“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Well, my evening plans are ruined