We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.