I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.