i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that