I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
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Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
$4 #usedbooks
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes