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love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me