do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
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took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
This is why I hate group projects