A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory