BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
You Might Also Like
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
She was REALLY feeling it.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”