I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My life coach traded me.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
😂🤣😂🤣
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox