we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
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I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
m’lady