STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
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[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.