(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
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You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
So inspired right now.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.