“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
very niche meme I made
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.