boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
You Might Also Like
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.