Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection