after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
#Caturday
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”