He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.