Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
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Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.