Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.