Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”