jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.