“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Monday
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber