What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.