Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
(Electricians.)
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Me when someone tries to get to know me
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense