My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.