I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.