We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.