I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.