“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.