Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him