THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
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I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?