Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
the icebreaker
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
new shirt idea
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too