God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I’ve had worse
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
From Facebook just now…
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.