Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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all that yoga finally paid off
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?