Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Well, this is awkward
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
dream blunt rotation
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.