In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”