When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
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Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
This is my bus stop.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Thinking about Jeff
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.