{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.