I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no